i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
People in love make me want to vomit
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
