Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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