He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize