pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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