I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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