Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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