new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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