I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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