i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
