Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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