Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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