The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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