"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
