Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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