This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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