i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
