He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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