Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
