I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
