I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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