I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
this just has baby written all over it
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize