I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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