You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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