you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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