Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize