plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
