Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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