life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
