Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
