It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
