that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize