I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
