I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
