I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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