if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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