I faked an abortion last night.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
