All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
