WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
