I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
