woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
