Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
