'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
