After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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