She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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