I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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