Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
