Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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