Barsexuality is the new black.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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