One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
