Your tits are I can't wait for
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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