I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
