It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
