So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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