I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
