It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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