So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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