I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize