Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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