i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
